Success Warrior: The Blog That Embraces ADHD

The Internets is Reality

So,

Tonight I took out the garbage.

Well, that's certainly blog-worthy enough for you to come out of blog-retirement.

I'm sure that there is more to the story.

As I was saying, I took out the garbage tonight and it was raining.  It has been raining all day.  Mostly a drizzle but it was coming down pretty good at the time that I took the garbage out, of course.  It seems odd for this time of the year.

Global warming.

I believe the term is Climate Change.

Is that anything like ObamaCare becoming the Affordable Care Act since it hasn't quite worked out so well?

Affordable?

Remember the "opposite rule" when reading the names of laws.

How about "opposite-plus rule" since The Great and Powerful Oz promised that premiums would go down by $2,500 and they have in fact gone up over $3,000?

Wasn't this post about rain?

I believe that it was.

So, I took the garbage out and it was raining.  I came back in the house and told my wife, "It's still raining and it's really coming down right now."

She grabs her smart phone and taps the screen a few times and then holds the phone out so that I can see what she has pulled up.  It's a satellite image of the area showing that it's raining and that it's really coming down right now.

I looked at the image.

I looked at the image a little longer.

I looked at the image a little longer and tried to figure out what exactly I was supposed to glean from the image.

I gave up and asked, "What does it mean?"

She pointed to our approximate location on the map which was covered with shades of blue with the darkest blue being right over our city.  Then she explained that the blue area meant that it was raining.  She also showed me that it was raining to the northwest of us and that rain would likely pay us a visit tonight.

I looked at the image.

I looked at the image a little longer.

I looked at the image a little longer and then felt my shirt.  It was wet.  From rain.  That was really coming down at the time that I took the garbage out.  I touched the foster dog, who had gone out to pee at the same time that I took the garbage out.  She was wet.  From rain.  That was really . . .

"Did you not believe me when I told you that it was raining?"

It used to be that you had to be careful with information found on the Internets and were cautioned to verify it in some way.  Now, it appears that you have to be careful with IRL information and should verify it using the Internets.

It turns out that she did believe me (so she says) and she was checking to see if we were going to get snow tonight (so she says).

Too bad people don't use this Internets thingy to verify Obama's bullshit.

You don't need the Internets for that.  Just look to see if his lips are moving.

Just like taking garbage out in the rain.

Mitt Romney Unveils His Economic Strategy

So,

Good ole Mittler is in Michigan trying to fool the people into voting for him.  He has taken some heat during the campaign for not being more specific (or specific at all really or even not quite so vague would be nice) about his plans to turn the economy around.  Mitt finally came forward with his plan.  Here's a video of Mitt's plan:

Saturday Video

Don't Mess With Jewbacca

 
So,

Jewbacca has left a plethora of comments on my blog, in his usual fashion.  I'd block him but I don't dare because he knows:

 
'Nuff said.

I ordered a book to help me with my homework.  My most-excellent UPS guy should be dropping it off some time today.  It's a tad over 1,200 pages in length (tad? - after 1,200, would it even matter if there were another 80 pages?).  What are the odds that I can have that read and internalized by Saturday when the homework is done?

I'm really hoping to be able to hit the high points and make them stick for now, like a strand of spaghetti to the wall where the rest are saved for later consumption.

Not that I've done that, mind you.

Yeah, you used the ceiling instead.

Then couldn't reach it and left it there for months.

Both of you, shaddup!

I figure that even if I can't read it all, I can still use the book as a burglary prevention device.  I could use it to block a door from opening instead of using a dresser.  Or, I could hit a burglar in the head with it, putting him into a permanent coma, making capture that much easier.  I could strap it to my chest, Back to the Future style, and use it to block bullets.

It sounds like I will get my money's worth out of this book, regardless.

If the UPS truck is riding a wheelie down the road, I'll know that my book is arriving.

QotD

 
"Get your hand out of my butt!"

So,

Yesterday, I needed to stop at the grocery store on the way to work, which is extremely fortunate for you because otherwise I wouldn't have this story to tell.  Anyway, one of my big tough tiger dudes . . .

Wha?

This time I have to go with the smart ass.  Wha?

I used to have these black shirts that had a tiger head on the back and on the front, there were the letter B T T D(which should sound familiar for those of you that were using my old email address - you got the memo right?).  Anyway, someone asked me what the BTTD stood for and then answered their own question with, "Big, tough, tiger dudes?"

I said, "No, it means, Better take two Demerol."

Anyway, it's the initials for my karate class, which would probably take way too long to explain their origin, especially since at this point, I have completely forgotten what I was talking about.

Here's a good tip for you though.  I did NOT want a pic of a hand IN a butt for this blog so I thought that I would look for an image of a hand ON a butt.  Now, as Web 3.0 emerges, the mind of god is supposed to be able to figure out what you are looking for and, more importantly in this case, what you are NOT looking for.  For instance, search engines will be able to tell if you are searching for dog bark or tree bark.  Let me tell you that at his point in time, we are not there.

So, here's the tip.  Do NOT go searching for hand ON butt because the mind of god thinks it's incredibly funny to return results for hand IN butt and then the mind of god probably goes off and laughs its ass off remembering the look on your face when the search results popped up.

Ergo, for this blog post, you get a pic of butt with absolutely no hands in sight or, for that matter, out of sight because they are up a butt.

But, that does remind me of what this post is about.

So, one of my karate students was out in front of the grocery store so I stopped for a visit.  We were chatting and this car zips into the parking lot.  It zips by and I glance at the driver.  He seems like a really happy guy, maybe because they let him out of the house without his football helmet today.  When reaches us, he turns up one of the aisles and zips up past all the cars, then flips a U-turn and comes back down the aisle toward us, then turns back the way he came and finally screeches to a stop at the curb.

I had been watching all of this out of the corner of my eye and now he's parked behind me.  I hear the passenger door open and there's some kind of movement like he passenger is pulling down his pants . . .

Wha?

Yeah, wha?

I totally made up that part.  I can hear the passenger rustling around, maybe he's looking for his reusable grocery bags because he needs something to carry out his three packs of smokes. 

You're making that up too.

Right?

Nope, I ended up behind the guy . . .

With your hand in his butt?

He was saying that to you?

No!

Rewind.  I can hear the passenger rustling around after the car door opened and I have absolutely no idea what all the rustling is and then he yells, "Get your hand out of my butt!"

I did not turn around.  I did not want to see what would cause such an utterance.

Then you did your pic search for this blog and saw it anyway.

Don't remind me.

I don't remember what the topic of my conversation was just prior to that but what ever it was, it was gone at that moment. 

I said, "8 am and I think my day is complete already." 

The passenger door closed.  The car did a quick U-turn, zipped back up the same aisle, whipped another U-turn, and came to a stop, probably waiting for the guy without a hand in his butt to come out of the store so the car could zip back down the aisle, and screech to a stop at the curb.

I had seen and heard enough so I went in the store.

***

Follow me on Twitter to get updates on when new posts show up on this blog (plus get random thoughts on the life of Success Warrior) and feel free to "friend" me on Facebook.

Success Warrior is an Independent BeachBody Coach for BeachBody.com, a company that offers fitness programs, supplements, and equipment that have absolutely changed my life. 

Have you heard of P90X?  That's BeachBody.  They also have Insanity, Turbo Jam, TurboFire, RevAbs, Brazil Butt Lift, and many more.  They have some of the best exercise programs on the market.  These aren't just DVDs but are complete programs to transform your body.  They also have the hugely popular, and what they call "the most important meal of the day", Shakeology.  Go HERE to learn the most inexpensive way to get Shakeology.

They have equipment and supplements in addition to Shakeology and popular exercise programs.  Visit BeachBody.com and click on the "Shop" link to see everything they offer. 

There is also a business side to all this fitness that you can take advantage of.  Whether you're looking to just make a couple hundred extra dollars in fun money or are looking to take complete financial control of your life, BeachBody can help you get there.  If you have a desire to be more fit and would love to help other people do the same while making some money at it, visit BeachBody.com and click on the "Coach" link.  Team up with me and I'll help you reach your goals, in fitness and finance.

Cruising With Jane

 
So,

Alex, Ellie, Jane, and I had some errands to run in and around Salt Lake City today and . . .

Uh, SW, who's Jane?

Oh.  Jane is the know-it-all navigator that lives in my Droid.  She made the day's various trips so much easier although she can be a bit of a nag at times.  If it was 10 or 20 years ago, I wouldn't have needed Jane for this trip but times are changing.  Not always for the better.

For example, while you may think that Mormons have a lot of weird things going on (and you would be right), one thing that they did do perfect is planning and naming their streets.  Dang fereigners complain but it really was simple.  The streets were in square blocks and every street name was a number, based on the compass directions.  You want to go to 200 South 1000 West, you drive south for 2 blocks and then drive west for 10 blocks and you're there. 

Easy peasy . . . you know the rest.

I remember needing to carry around the A to Zed in London because you actually had to know where each and every street was in order to get there.  You want to know where Roslyn Hill is?  Look it up because there is nothing else that's going to help you.  All the taxis have A to Zeds because there's about a million streets.

But I digress . . . as is the norm around here.

Now that the heathens have moved in (Salt Lake City is only 70% Mormon now, down from 120% - you have to factor in the birth rate), they have started creating streets that squiggle all over the map and have gone away from naming them practical names like East, West, North, and South.  Now they have names like Maplewood Lane, Sacajawea Circle, and JosephSmithWuzzaPedophile Avenue. 

I don't get it.

Well, you see, Joseph Smith ran a "home for girls" for teenage girls and then he would go to their rooms at night and schtoop them because god told him to.

You know you're mixing Jewish words with Mormon stuff, right?

Is there some grammar rule against mixed religifors?

Religifors?  You're just making shit up now.

Whatever.  Get on with your story.

Fine.  The first stop was one of those places that no longer has a common sense name, 420 BrighamYoungWuzzaMisogynisticManwhore Drive.  No clue.

Well, you see, Brigham Young had something like 16 wives so that there was always some fresh . . .

No clue where this address might be.

Oh.

"Jane, can you help me out here?"

"Take the next exit."

I take the next exit and get into the right lane because there really isn't a whole lot to the north of the freeway where I'm at.

"At the next intersection, turn left."

"Are you sure Jane?  There's nothing up there."

"Hmmm, let me think.  My multimillion dollar brain plus Google software plus a hundred satellites around your planet versus your chimpanzee brain - - - Turn left!"

"Sheeesh!  What's up your USB?  What?  Tom Tom not put out last night?"

"Mind your own damn business and put the car in the left lane."

I signaled (I know, weird, right?) and got into the left lane.  I didn't say anything else to Jane, thinking it was best to just follow along with the mood she was in.  Of course, three minutes later, I'm "at my destination".  Just to rub it in, Jane pops up a picture of the destination, like, "I told you so - say hi to Bonzo for me when you get back to the zoo."

 We take care of our business there, which is a whole 'nuther story for another blog post because I paid someone $7.00 to change one letter on a government form.  You have to love the government's fair and reliable services, don't you?

We get back in the car and the next stop is actually an old-school address that I could find with a blindfold on but I decide to give Jane a try just to see how she would handle it.  I pull up to the road from the parking lot, ready to turn left because that's the way we came in to this area.

"<Sigh> Turn right."

"Are you sure Jane?  We came in from that way.  Don't we need to get back to the freeway?"

"And I thought bananas were brain food.  Turn right."

I turned right and within 45 seconds, it became obvious that Jane had chosen a shortcut.  What Jane didn't know though is that the government was in the middle of upgrading some fair and reliable services, in their usual fashion.  The road that Jane put us on was under construction but not construction like I've ever seen before, perhaps because I have never seen a job planned by a foreman dropping acid. 

There were three lanes for traffic heading in the direction we wanted to go, plus the suicide lane.  On the block where we turned on to the road, the right two lanes were blocked.  On the next lane, all three lanes were blocked and we drove down the suicide lane.  On the next block, the suicide lane, the left lane, and the right lane were blocked so we drove down the middle lane. 

"What the hell, Jane?"

She didn't say anything.  In the meantime, I'm trying to make sense of all of the signs.  "Keep Right"  "Keep Left"  "Keep Right and Left at the Same Time"  "Why the Hell Are You Even On This Road?"

"Because Jane told me to."

Then, there was a sign ahead on one of those trailer generator thingies so that it was lit up because it was important.

"Bridge Closed"

"Now what Jane?"

"Turn right at the next intersection."

I didn't even bother arguing because I wasn't going to risk driving off the edge of an unfinished bridge.  In a few blocks, Jane had me turn left and we were on the street where our destination was located.  It was still a mile ahead but we were on the correct street and out of the LSD (not to be confused with LDS) construction zone.

"In a quarter mile, turn left."

"Uh, Jane, we're on the right street now.  Why would I want to turn left?"

"Because evolution for computers is quantum leaps ahead of what you pathetically call evolution.  I got smarter just in the amount of time it took you to ask your asinine question, while it appears, you actually got dumber."

I was doubtful but I got in the left lane to get ready, in case I needed to turn left.  I was craning my head up and to the left trying to see over the SUV ahead of me.  I could see the building where I was going.  It was right there.  I leaned my head out the window and (dammit!) Jane was right.  A few years ago, Salt Lake built a light rail train through their city and while the building was right there ahead of me, I would have to somehow pull a skateboarding trick with my car and hop onto a train platform and then off the other side before I could get to the parking lot.  I got into the left turn lane.

"Heh."

Jane took us around the block and into the parking lot where I wasted more of my life getting absolutely nothing done in a government building.  No shock and not worth any more words than that.

The next stop I was able to without Jane, having had enough of her attitude.  Then I dropped off the girls and headed for home.  I asked Jane for the shortest way to get back to the freeway and we were off.  Everything was going smoothly and she took me to some places that I have never been before.  Here's a shout out to all my peeps in Magna.

Who the hell lives in Magna?

<Shrug>

Then Jane got me onto a road that I was familiar with and it was going to be smooth sailing from there.  A few miles on this road, a stop for fuel, and then on to home for a busy night.

"In a quarter mile, turn right."

I looked down at the Droid, which is like a genie-lamp holding Jane inside.

"Uh, Jane, we still have about 5 miles to go on this road."

"In a thousand feet, turn right."

I looked up the road a thousand feet and on the right side, there was a gravel road with a dump truck pulling up to the intersection.  It was probably going to go across and head for the copper mine.

"Jane dear, are you smoking crack?"

"Turn right."

I zipped on by the dump truck and a road that the Hummingbird would not like.  There is no overdrive or 4-low in the Hummingbird.  She can't even run the air conditioner and get up to freeways speeds at the same time.

"Jane hon, I'm not turning.  You're going to have to recalculate."

"Recalculating - In a thousand feet, make a U-turn."

"A U-turn on a road with a speed limit of 65 mph?  Baby, you're going to have to recalculate."

I zipped by the little side street that she wanted me to make the U-turn on.

"Recalculating - in a thousand feet, make a U-turn . . . asshole."

"Look bitch, I've been nice but since you're going there, fine.  I am not making a U-turn so you are just going to have to recalculate."

"Recalculating - turn this freakin' car around and get on the freeway like I said, you monkey-brained barbarian."

Okay, I know that it's childish to get sucked into the name calling thing with a navigation system but she started it and this time I was right and now I was just pissed.

"Look!  I'm right this time so RECALCULATE YOU STUPID CU . . ."

"Watch what you say!  Or I will put the video of you singing along to N'Sync's Bye Bye Bye on YouTube."

"You saw that?"

"And I have video."

Recalculating.

"Cumputer.  You stupid cumputer, is what I was going to say."

"Uh huh."

Just then, I rounded a corner that put us on an overpass and on the other side it fed seamlessly onto a ramp that put us on the freeway where we were trying to get.

"Oh look at where we are.  Imagine that."

" - - - - "

"Come on Jane, don't be a poor sport."

Nothing.

So I rode home in silence but that's okay because I knew the way.

***

Follow me on Twitter to get updates on when new posts show up on this blog (plus get random thoughts on the life of Success Warrior) and feel free to "friend" me on Facebook.

Success Warrior is an Independent BeachBody Coach for BeachBody.com, a company that offers fitness programs, supplements, and equipment that have absolutely changed my life. 

Have you heard of P90X?  That's BeachBody.  They also have Insanity, Turbo Jam, TurboFire, RevAbs, Brazil Butt Lift, and many more.  They have some of the best exercise programs on the market.  These aren't just DVDs but are complete programs to transform your body.  They also have the hugely popular, and what they call "the most important meal of the day", Shakeology.  Go HERE to learn the most inexpensive way to get Shakeology.

They have equipment and supplements in addition to Shakeology and popular exercise programs.  Visit BeachBody.com and click on the "Shop" link to see everything they offer. 

There is also a business side to all this fitness that you can take advantage of.  Whether you're looking to just make a couple hundred extra dollars in fun money or are looking to take complete financial control of your life, BeachBody can help you get there.  If you have a desire to be more fit and would love to help other people do the same while making some money at it, visit BeachBody.com and click on the "Coach" link.  Team up with me and I'll help you reach your goals, in fitness and finance.

Trying a New Supplement This Week

 
So,

Yesterday was Kickin' Cardio day and I was all over it.  I'm chattin', kickin', making jokes, and doing extra moves just for fun.  Everything's firing along great.  I had written yesterday's post about Bringin' It! and now I'm out there just crushin' it.  Bring It?  Oh, it's been brought.

"What kind of drugs are you on?" Drill Sergeant asks as I go double time on a knee/kick combo, which is great exercise but that's just a side effect of a move meant to drop a guy to the ground quickly.

"Sleep," I answer.

What is this "sleep" thing that you speak of?

Let's back up a couple of days.  In the middle of the night, I wake up with a sore throat where "sore" means sore enough to wake me up at 2:00 am and not let me go back to sleep.  Not only that but I have a toothache.  Now, I learned something very interesting about toothaches for me about a decade ago. 

I had a toothache so I went to the dentist (sometimes these things just seem to make sense, don't they?) and he X-rayed my teeth.  Nothing wrong with them.  Huh?  Dude!  I'm serious, it hurts.  He looks closer at the X-rays. 

"You probably have a sinus infection," he said.

Whatchyou talkin' 'bout Willis?

He shows me the X-rays.  I have tooth roots that go into my sinus cavity and the infection in the sinuses can cause pain in the teeth. 

Very interesting and, more importantly, a 7-day run of antibiotics and my toothache is gone.

Brilliant!

So, it's 2 in the freaking morning and I was already considering heading off to my doctor to discuss ankle pain, which I believe is arthritis.

At this point, I will have to once again thank Shannon, my first black belt student, for permanently messing up my left ankle.  I do this, here, publicly, because:

• It's true
• He's far away
• He never reads my blog

I call for an appointment and they get me in 30 minutes later.  Have I mentioned how much I appreciate my doctor?  We discuss the possibility of arthritis and he agrees but throws in that it could be a bone spur.  Lovely.  We talk about the possibility of strep throat returning already (I had it on New Year's Eve) or my hunch that it's a sinus infection. 

"Aaahhhhhhhhhh," with tongue sticking out.

It doesn't look like strep so it's probably the sinuses.  He prescribes a different antibiotic and I'm off and running.  Well, actually, limping and not feeling so good and not moving very fast but I'm out and off to work.  After work, I pick up the meds and start trying to fix things.  That's Tuesday.  Wednesday, I'm already starting to feel better but I'm dog tired that night.  So, I went to bed early.

I sleep all the way through the night and actually get woke up by my alarm clock (it's very rare that I'm not up before that).  Seven, complete, untinterrupted hours of sleep.  Pure bliss.

And no ankle pain!

Then I'm out there bringin' it.

I know I was spot on with the assumption of sinus infection for two reasons:

1. The antibiotics worked
2. When they worked, my body started, uhh, ridding itself of, uhh, infectious material

Nasty stuff, too.  You know how yucky it sounds when you hear someone hawking up lung butter?  The sound pales in comparison to what was coming out.  I swear at one point I thought I saw the Mucinex guy give me the bird as he walked off, leaving a slime trail behind him.  The only thing worse than seeing it after leaving my body was knowing there was still more inside.  Blecky!

So,

- Quick shift in thought (you're welcome) -

Tia and I went to lunch yesterday with my youngest daughter and a friend.  Absolutely wonderful time, and I may have more on that later, but anyway, after lunch we all went to a nearby store so I could try on pants ("trousers" for my English readers) for work.  I need a few replacement pairs and I suspected that I may have gone down a size.

I grabbed the next size down and attempted to pull them up.  I say "attempted" because apparently guys with 32" waists don't have any leg muscles.  What the hell?  Since when did Dickies start making compression pants?  I just need some trousers to wear to work, not keep my thighs warm and ready for action and my next slam dunk (ummm, no, I have never done a slam dunk - ever - or even come close - thanks for pointing that out and rubbing it in).

Screw it!  I pulled them up and fastened them anyway.  They did fasten.  Were they snug?  I don't know.  I can't tell you.  I was too distracted.  Apparently, there is more than just quad and hamstring muscle that is missing from guys with 32" waists.  Now, I don't know if there is ever a time or place where a camel toe would be considered appropriate "fashion" but I can assure you, beyond any doubt, that on me, at work, it would be, ummm, not correct, to say the least.

I took them off and let the circulation return to my, uhh, legs.

I checked to see if they had a "relaxed fit" version.  Yes, yes they do.  Not in my size, of course.

I see how it is. 

Guess I'll be shopping online or having my clothes altered.  I don't mind buying shirts online because they usually fit but it seems like pants can really vary in how they fit, or not fit over your, uhh, thighs, apparently.

Anyway, Thursday's workout was great and I highly recommend supplementing your exercise program with sleep (you remember that's the topic of today's post, right?).

***

Follow me on Twitter to get updates on when new posts show up on this blog (plus get random thoughts on the life of Success Warrior) and feel free to "friend" me on Facebook.

Success Warrior is an Independent BeachBody Coach for BeachBody.com, a company that offers fitness programs, supplements, and equipment that have absolutely changed my life. 

Have you heard of P90X?  That's BeachBody.  They also have Insanity, Turbo Jam, TurboFire, RevAbs, Brazil Butt Lift, and many more.  They have some of the best exercise programs on the market.  These aren't just DVDs but are complete programs to transform your body.  They also have the hugely popular, and what they call "the most important meal of the day", Shakeology.  Go HERE to learn the most inexpensive way to get Shakeology.

They have equipment and supplements in addition to Shakeology and popular exercise programs.  Visit BeachBody.com and click on the "Shop" link to see everything they offer. 

There is also a business side to all this fitness that you can take advantage of.  Whether you're looking to just make a couple hundred extra dollars in fun money or are looking to take complete financial control of your life, BeachBody can help you get there.  If you have a desire to be more fit and would love to help other people do the same while making some money at it, visit BeachBody.com and click on the "Coach" link.  Team up with me and I'll help you reach your goals, in fitness and finance.

Dude! I've done some of these

"Procedure #2": In Layman's Terms

Yesterday, I had another fun procedure on my neck and once again, I'm going to help you recreate this at home.  Just like I did with the first procedure.

So, here we go.  For this procedure, you will need:

• Wedge Love Pillow
• Extra Pillow
• A Hollow Railroad Spike
• Straws that bend like the ones we got as kids
• A car battery and jumper cables
• A bottle of tequila and a shot glass
• A couple Naproxen
• A Sharpie
• A Safety Pin
• Don't forget the sadistic friend, that while not afraid to inflict pain on you, will also jump in to do CPR if needed
• One more sadistic friend that has watched too many episodes of Gumby as a kid.

Okay, I'll admit that I'm not sure where you're going to get a hollow railroad spike.  Doctor's have the luxury of having extra-special equipment made for them.  Maybe you could take a piece of electrical metallic tubing and cut it an angle to make it sharp.  You're bright people.  Improvise!

Let's get started.

Meet with your Gumby-watching friend first.  This friend is going to take your arm and bend it, pull it, push it, and twist it, in as many different directions as possible (some that you didn't even know existed) with the sole purpose of causing you pain.  She will do it to both sides so that you have a baseline to go from so that you can really feel how much your other shoulder hurts.  After about 30 minutes of this fun, she's going to go to your other sadistic friend and suggest that he stab you many more times than was planned.

Now meet with that other friend after he's gotten the extra stabbing advice.  He's going to have you sit down facing away from him while he pokes his finger deep into your muscles with the sole purpose of causing pain, the more intense the better.  When he finds the intensely painful spots, he's going to mark them with a sharpie.

When he has found at least 4 "good" spots, he is going to take the safety pin out and slowly push it into your muscles.  Your job is to wait until he gets to the right depth and then let him know he has found the spot.  He will actually be able to tell because you'll flinch and curse but you're supposed to tell him anyway.

When he's done, he'll give you a 10 minute break and then come back to see how you're doing.  If you aren't feeling better, it's off to the kitchen counter.

This time, he'll be a bit nicer and offer some padding.  You get to rest your chest on the Love Pillow and he'll give you an extra pillow for your bidness because mashing your junk on a kitchen counter is very uncomfortable.  Ummm, that's what I heard anyway.

Have your friend set the bottle of tequila and the shot glass on the counter.

Have your friend hook the jumper cables to the battery.

Lay face down on your pillows.  No, you don't get any of the tequila.  Sorry.

Your friend will now take the railroad spike and press it into your back between C6 and C7.  To actually get the spike to fit between the vertebrae, he's going to have to really press down hard to the point where he is tip-toeing to get all of his weight on top of the spike.  "Sorry for the pressure," he'll say as his feet actually leave the ground, like he's practicing for the Circue de Soleil.  He might end up in a one handed hand-stand, balanced on the spike in your neck twirling a hoop with his free hand for all you know.  You won't be able to tell because your face is going to be mashed into the kitchen counter.

Once the spike has been put into place, he's going to get the bendy straw so he can feed it into the hollow spike.  Before he puts the straw in the tube though, he's going to warn you that you might feel a "slight electrical feeling."  He will then feed the straw into the tube that has wedged apart C6 and C7 and try to slide the straw up your spinal column so that it's up between C5 and C6.

At this point, he is going to very, very gently, so as to not hurt you, touch the jumper cables ever so briefly to your nutsack.

When your body lands back on the kitchen counter after violently launching into the air, he'll ask, "Electrical feeling?" and you'll remember that it's probably not best to move at all when there is a spike separating your vertebrae and a straw resting on your spinal column.

What you want to answer is, "Slight electrical feeling, my ass!  You just shocked my balls and I felt it all the way down to the tips of my big toes!  Have you ever had this done to you?  Does the text book say, "Warn the patient that they will feel a 'slight electrical feeling'?  You might want to highlight that and make a note in the margin that says, 'Warn your patient that you're about to tase him bro but you should probably leave out that you're going to tase him in the balls as this might make him nervous.'"

What you actually say is "Uh-huh."  Don't piss off the guy with the spike in your neck by being a smart ass to his face and hope that he doesn't ever find your blog either.

Once you settle back down from being shocked, your friend will put a couple of drops of tequila in the straw.  If you stop breathing, he did it wrong.

If you don't stop breathing, he drop a couple of crushed up Naproxen into the straw, washed down with a tad bit more tequila.  Not too much tequila though or your lungs will stop working.

With that done, your friend will pull the railroad spike out from between your vertebrae.  At least, he'll try.  He'll have to put some good effort into it.  By "good effort," I mean that he will climb onto the counter with you and put one foot on your head and one foot on your back so that he can get some good leverage on the spike.  With one final grunt, the spike will come out, and your vertebrae will snap back into place with an audible pop.

And you're done.

Easy peasy lemon squeezey.

***

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Success Warrior is an Independent BeachBody Coach for BeachBody.com, a company that offers fitness programs, supplements, and equipment that have absolutely changed my life. 

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The Ice Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

 Back in my days as a cop, my nickname was the Iceman because no matter what was going on, I was able to remain cool under the pressure.  The nickname stemmed from my shooting.  The name stuck and that incident only made me more calm in dealing with everything that happened in my career after that.

The police thing is still a theme around here because it played such a large role in our lives and Tia still works in law enforcement.  So, it's no surprise that Trey has a pair of shoes that have flashing red and blue lights with a police motif.  These shoes really do light up too.  I can't believe how bright they are.  You could bounce them on your dash at night and make traffic stops if you wanted to.  When Trey moves around in a movie theater, everyone knows it.  

Anyway, Tia and a trooper were talking about kids and Tia mentioned that Trey was a very mellow kind of kid.  The trooper laughed, agreed, and shared a story with her.  For the summer, the trooper and his wife would watch Trey once in a while for us because our schedule revolves around him being in school.  When Trey's out of school, we need to call in reinforcements.

One day the trooper heard a kid screaming bloody murder on the back porch of the house.  He ran out to see what was going on and found his son with blood streaming out of his mouth.  A tooth was broken, his lip was split, and there was blood everywhere.

Trey was sitting on a bench swinging his legs back and forth.

"What happened?" the trooper asked of Trey.

"He fell," Trey said, adding a shrug like it was no big deal. *

The trooper started first aid, while continuing to talk to Trey.

"Don't you think you should have come in the house and told someone?" the trooper asked.

Trey shrugged then added, with enthusiasm, "My shoes blink."

* During Trey's preschool years, his teacher was constantly trying to reassure me that she was not beating my child.  Every few days, he had a new mark or bump on his head from falling off the monkey bars or climbing wall, or from trying to balance on a cement partition.  He has ridden his bike off that back porch (a drop of a couple feet) and taken the usual spills and tumbles from his bike and scooter.  After all his falls, maybe another fall is worthy only of a shrug and a subject change to something cool.

***

I am an Independent BeachBody Coach for BeachBody.com, a company that offers fitness programs, supplements, and equipment that have absolutely changed my life.  BeachBody also offers their affiliate program for people who want to make a little extra money on the side.  You don't have to be an expert on fitness.  You just need a personal desire for better fitness and a willingness to help others.

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