Is that a wand in your hand or are you just happy to see my breasts?
So,
I haven't mentioned my dear, dear friends at TSA in a while and probably wouldn't have in a long, long time but they have made a bunch of headlines in the last couple of days. They must want the attention and I'm always happy to help bring attention to the TSA.
Cuz you're tight?
Well, they have seen my junk.
That's pretty tight.
Right?
An Alaska lawmaker gets felt up every time she flies because she only has one boob. I suppose the TSA has to check to make sure that the prosthetic breast she wears to balance things out isn't a bomb.
Does it have more than 3 ounces of liquid?
Maybe she needs to carry the fake boob in a plastic bag?
This last time the TSA tried to give her a sensual massage with a happy ending, she said no and spent two days on a ferry getting home. There is a huge problem with Alaska.
It's where Sarah Palin comes from.
Okay, there are two huge problems with Alaska.
You don't travel to or from Alaska without flying. Alaska lawmakers said the TSA is out of control but didn't come up with any answers for dealing with DHS date rape. They passed a non-binding resolution officially bitching about the TSA, which is a bold move.
A restaurant near the Sea-Tac airport has come up with an answer. They no longer allow TSA employees in the restaurant. They won't serve TSA workers and tell them to leave and have even called the police to have TSA employees removed. This is, of course, the wrong approach.
Sounds cool to me.
Listen to my idea first.
They should allow TSA workers to eat at the restaurant, after they have been completely felt up and allowed a picture of themselves to be taken in their underwear.
Okay, I like your idea better.
Toldja!
A Charlotte teen-ager was able to get out onto the tarmac of the airport and climb into the wheel-well of an airplane and fly to Boston. This has some people wondering what the hell the TSA is doing when it comes to providing security.
They were all gathered 'round the monitor looking at nekkid people.
Probably.
Unfortunately for the teen, he pulled a move from a Nicolas Cage movie and fell from the sky when the plane put its gear down to land in Boston. The family would like the TSA to explain how something like this happens. The TSA is meeting today at 2:30 to try to figure out what kind of bullshit story it can come up with to explain how a teen-ager can get through security designed to stop highly trained terrorist cells from blowing up planes with prosthetic boobs.
Meanwhile, an undercover chick with nice milk cartons was able to get a firearm past the TSA several times at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport.
Can't they shorten that down like Sea-Tac?
To what? Da-Rth?
You can't get a fake boob through TSA security but if you're a chick with two boobs, you can take a Desert Eagle 50 Cal. tucked in your G-string and be just fine. Okay, I don't know what kind of gun it was but it was hidden in her underwear. Now call me a cynic but . . .
I have better things to call you.
Shut it!
. . . It seems like a great story to leak out to try to convince people to allow the TSA to take pictures of their private parts.
Like they weren't taking the pictures already.
I know, I know.
At JFK, a TSA employee screener threatened to bash in some dude's head with a baseball bat.
For not allowing a hand job?
You're not helpful.
A Texas Airlines employee was backing up in the parking lot and nicked the TSA employee's car. This is apparently enough to make assault with a baseball bat a reasonable and necessary use of force. Of course, when you're part of the Department of Homeland Security, there is probably a tad bit of Judge Dreadd running through your veins.
Loved Rob Schneider in that movie.
You are the Rob Schneider of this blog.
Also at JFK, three TSA employees in two separate cases have been arrested for stealing money from passengers' luggage. One dude stole tens of thousands of dollars in one go.
Like that wouldn't be missed.
Ya think.
The other two have been siphoning money off for years. Cops have been able to come up with about 40 grand of stolen money and suspect that over the years, the two have broken six figures.
Remind me not to go to JFK.
Shah.
Even if you do catch the guy stealing your money, he'll probably try to bash your brains in with a Louisville Slugger.
"Aviation Security Expert Justin Green thinks incidents like these raise questions about the integrity of the airport security system."
Really Aviation Security EXPERT Green? This is what raises the questions? None of the headlines above this raises any questions? Nothing mentioned in my previous blog post (Warning: It was written when I was way more serious) kind of, sort of, in some little way, sets off some kind of red flag in your expert brain?
Stealing a few hundred bucks a day is the trick? Feeling up the elderly, strip searching children, teen-agers falling from the sky, downloading naked pictures of passengers, easily getting a gun through check points, and threatening to kill people with baseball bats are all perfectly acceptable behavior for TSA agents that don't raise any concerns about their integrity?
They probably didn't give Expert Green his cut.
That explains it.
All of these headlines are from the last two days and you know that only a small percentage of the criminals at the TSA get caught and only a few of those make the headlines. Can you even imagine what TSA employees are out there doing every single day?
Expert Green can't.
Maybe he's an expert at wearing blinders.
Or covering up the wrong doings.
Or a complete smacktard.
But, if you're ever lonely on a Friday night and can't get a date from eHarmony, you could always get a boarding pass and walk through the security check point a few times. Don't count on dinner though.
Especially near Sea-Tac.
So true.