Yesterday, I had another fun procedure on my neck and once again, I'm going to help you recreate this at home. Just like I did with the first procedure.
So, here we go. For this procedure, you will need:
- Wedge Love Pillow
- Extra Pillow
- A Hollow Railroad Spike
- Straws that bend like the ones we got as kids
- A car battery and jumper cables
- A bottle of tequila and a shot glass
- A couple Naproxen
- A Sharpie
- A Safety Pin
- Don't forget the sadistic friend, that while not afraid to inflict pain on you, will also jump in to do CPR if needed
- One more sadistic friend that has watched too many episodes of Gumby as a kid.
Okay, I'll admit that I'm not sure where you're going to get a hollow railroad spike. Doctor's have the luxury of having extra-special equipment made for them. Maybe you could take a piece of electrical metallic tubing and cut it an angle to make it sharp. You're bright people. Improvise!
Let's get started.
Meet with your Gumby-watching friend first. This friend is going to take your arm and bend it, pull it, push it, and twist it, in as many different directions as possible (some that you didn't even know existed) with the sole purpose of causing you pain. She will do it to both sides so that you have a baseline to go from so that you can really feel how much your other shoulder hurts. After about 30 minutes of this fun, she's going to go to your other sadistic friend and suggest that he stab you many more times than was planned.
Now meet with that other friend after he's gotten the extra stabbing advice. He's going to have you sit down facing away from him while he pokes his finger deep into your muscles with the sole purpose of causing pain, the more intense the better. When he finds the intensely painful spots, he's going to mark them with a sharpie.
When he has found at least 4 "good" spots, he is going to take the safety pin out and slowly push it into your muscles. Your job is to wait until he gets to the right depth and then let him know he has found the spot. He will actually be able to tell because you'll flinch and curse but you're supposed to tell him anyway.
When he's done, he'll give you a 10 minute break and then come back to see how you're doing. If you aren't feeling better, it's off to the kitchen counter.
This time, he'll be a bit nicer and offer some padding. You get to rest your chest on the Love Pillow and he'll give you an extra pillow for your bidness because mashing your junk on a kitchen counter is very uncomfortable. Ummm, that's what I heard anyway.
Have your friend set the bottle of tequila and the shot glass on the counter.
Have your friend hook the jumper cables to the battery.
Lay face down on your pillows. No, you don't get any of the tequila. Sorry.
Your friend will now take the railroad spike and press it into your back between C6 and C7. To actually get the spike to fit between the vertebrae, he's going to have to really press down hard to the point where he is tip-toeing to get all of his weight on top of the spike. "Sorry for the pressure," he'll say as his feet actually leave the ground, like he's practicing for the Circue de Soleil. He might end up in a one handed hand-stand, balanced on the spike in your neck twirling a hoop with his free hand for all you know. You won't be able to tell because your face is going to be mashed into the kitchen counter.
Once the spike has been put into place, he's going to get the bendy straw so he can feed it into the hollow spike. Before he puts the straw in the tube though, he's going to warn you that you might feel a "slight electrical feeling." He will then feed the straw into the tube that has wedged apart C6 and C7 and try to slide the straw up your spinal column so that it's up between C5 and C6.
At this point, he is going to very, very gently, so as to not hurt you, touch the jumper cables ever so briefly to your nutsack.
When your body lands back on the kitchen counter after violently launching into the air, he'll ask, "Electrical feeling?" and you'll remember that it's probably not best to move at all when there is a spike separating your vertebrae and a straw resting on your spinal column.
What you want to answer is, "Slight electrical feeling, my ass! You just shocked my balls and I felt it all the way down to the tips of my big toes! Have you ever had this done to you? Does the text book say, "Warn the patient that they will feel a 'slight electrical feeling'? You might want to highlight that and make a note in the margin that says, 'Warn your patient that you're about to tase him bro but you should probably leave out that you're going to tase him in the balls as this might make him nervous.'"
What you actually say is "Uh-huh." Don't piss off the guy with the spike in your neck by being a smart ass to his face and hope that he doesn't ever find your blog either.
Once you settle back down from being shocked, your friend will put a couple of drops of tequila in the straw. If you stop breathing, he did it wrong.
If you don't stop breathing, he drop a couple of crushed up Naproxen into the straw, washed down with a tad bit more tequila. Not too much tequila though or your lungs will stop working.
With that done, your friend will pull the railroad spike out from between your vertebrae. At least, he'll try. He'll have to put some good effort into it. By "good effort," I mean that he will climb onto the counter with you and put one foot on your head and one foot on your back so that he can get some good leverage on the spike. With one final grunt, the spike will come out, and your vertebrae will snap back into place with an audible pop.
And you're done.
Easy peasy lemon squeezey.
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