It's that time of the year again. Deer Widow's Weekend is quickly approaching.
Let me explain Deer Widow's for those of you unfamiliar with how it works.
First, the manly men go out with high powered rifles and scopes that enables them to shoot things from about a mile away. They gather together with their manly friends and take lots of beer and orange clothes, specifically designed to hopefully keep drunks with high powered rifles and scopes from shooting them. You would think that high powered scopes would give these manly men the ability to discern a deer from a fellow drunk carrying a rifle.
"Dude, you shot Todd!"
"How was I supposta know that was Todd? Where's his orange hat?"
"Dude, he's carryin' a six pack of Budweiser and an AK-47. How many deers you know carry a machine gun?"
"I'm just sayin' he shoulda been wearin' his orange hat. That's all."
One other thing I should point out for those of you not familiar with Rocky Mountain culture is that manly men drop the "g" off of all the manly activities that they do. They go campin', huntin', fishin', and drinkin'. Often times in the Rocky Mountains, a "t" is dropped off if it's in the middle of a word so it would be appropriate when talkin' to your buddies about the weekend to discuss hun'in'.
So these manly men load up their pick up trucks with 4 wheelers, gas, beer, chips, and big guns, and more beer and head out into the wild in an effort to undo Darwin's theory by killing the fittest and strongest of the herd so that the deer do not evolve further and grow fur on their head that resembles an orange hat.
This leaves all the women home alone where marketers can take advantage of them.
Bored? Feeling left out? Did he just spend a thousand bucks on useless hunting* equipment that will just get tossed into the garage on Monday?
*When marketing to women of manly men, it's okay to reinsert the "t" and "g" into words. This exception does not apply to cities in Utah that have a visible "t" in the middle of them. You don't say those unless you want to come off as a tourist. You might think that Layton is pronounced Lay-tun but you would be wrong. It's Lay-un. Mantua is no where near the obvious Man-too-uh. The locals say Man-ni-way.
To get even with your manly man or cure boredom, it's time for a weekend out with the girls. Time for alcohol, strippers, and more alcohol. Gambling too if you haven't shoved all your money down some guy's banana hammock.
And puking. It just wouldn't be Deer Widow's weekend without a fair amount of puking. Should've saved a few of those dollar bills to buy some dinner. 10 strawberry daiquiris on an empty stomach is rough on a girl.
After downing a few fruity drinks and copping a feel on strippers, it's time for these horny women to get hooked up with some guys who might be called unmanly men because they aren't out with their buddies hiding in the bushes covered in deer urine scent with 50 caliber god-guns. They are however drinkin' beer and they know where all the horny drunk women are so while they may lack some manliness, they do possess a fair bit of intelligence on how to get laid.
Like the biggest bucks (who will soon be killed by some drunk in flaming orange clothing), these young men will posture and push, trying to prove they are "the man" and can have their pick of the herd of drunk does.
This provides some entertainment for us in security but things will get more interesting as the night wears on.
As the temperature out in the wild drops down into the single digits, one of our manly men out in the wild hunkered in a sleeping bag will yell, "Screw this! I'm freezing my balls off!" All the other manly men will call this guy a puss as they hurriedly pack all their shit up in the truck, thankful that someone finally broke and it wasn't them. They can get their frozen asses off the hill and down into some warmth, all the while blaming Todd for being such a pussy.
One of them will get this bright idea: "Hey, let's go hook up with our wives," not knowing that their wives are already hooked up for the night.
When the manly men in orange hats and red noses come into the casino, that's when things get really interesting.
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