If you will remember back a couple of days, you might remember my little story about my cats and my blinds and the fact that I suspect that my performance in bed is not only being judged but is also being televised. I can't honestly say that it's a bad thing so I thought it might be helpful if I listed out the pros and cons of Voyeuristic Sex Contests for those people that are thinking about competing in the upcoming Peeping Tom Olympics.
My wife and I have lived in 4 different buildings in the last 6 years and we have had cats the entire time. The apartment we rented, the house we rented, and this house all had the cheap, easily breakable blinds (that cats actually train for - I got a bill for the ppv pet home unimprovement channel, which tipped me off. And they say cats are smart. Ha!). The last place was a house that was being built and I installed the tougher blinds right from the beginning.
Here's what this has meant for me.
The first pro is that I have gotten pretty good at installing blinds. The ones I hung last week went up like nothing. Instructions, schminstructions. If anyone needs blinds installed, give me a call.
The con to that is that I have spent a hell of a lot of money on blinds.
The next point is debatable but I'll bring it up so that you can make an informed decision if you are considering going into this field. Each move to a building with cheap blinds while owning a cat is a whole new set of neighbors that gets to see my ass (good or bad is a matter of opinion although I did have people giving me cats as presents, whatever that means).
This final point was the deciding factor for me. Money. You can make quite a bit of money in this sport. The competition itself pays *okay* but if you can get really good at it, then you can get into the good money. You know where that is right?
Product endorsements.
It started as a simple enough idea. A Nike swoosh painted on one butt cheek with the words, "Just Do It!" on the other. Nike is good money but I was looking for more. Maybe a Chevy emblem on one side and "Like A Rock" on the other? You can endorse more than one product if you don't pick competitors. Not that I wanted to look like a Nascar driver when I stripped down but money is money. So I put out some feelers thinking that I might get a company that was possibly sport or male oriented that would want to pay for some advertising.
Like Trojan.
Perfect match, don't you think. I could do commercials for them. Maybe something along the lines of the chunky soup commercials. Picture this. There I am with a whole bus load of other competitors. At the front of the bus is my mom. We're cruising on Fremont Street in Las Vegas and the competitors are looking out the windows hungrily at the crack whores. One turns to my mom and starts to ask if we can stop. She raises a finger and wags it side to side while giving a disapproving look. The competitor starts to look sad but then mom starts to smile and reaches in her purse and pulls out a handful of Trojans. The bus stops and the competitors rush to the front. Mom hands each one of them a $20 bill and a Trojan and they hop off the bus whooping and hollering. The last one, the one that was going to ask, gets his money and condom and then before chasing off, he stops and says to me, "Dude, you're mom is the coolest." Then he runs off, jumping every few steps, clicking his heels, waving the Trojan over his head.
Or maybe I could get a company that is just plain manly and wants to use the imagery to increase the stamina of their sales. The camera would start on my face and then pan back as I started talking.
"Trust me, I know a thing or two about drilling," I would say and the camera would be far enough back to show me holding a cordless drill. "If you're going to be drilling long and hard, I suggest you use the Craftsman Hammer Drill."
Or maybe go the other route. Show me just down right beat, wilted.
"Guys, you ever have one of those days where you've got nothing left to give? You've drilled all you can drill and a glass of cold lemonade isn't going to fix it. Trust me, I've been there and when that happens, I turn to the next best thing." Then I hold up some Energizer batteries. The commercial closes with the Energizer bunny headed for the bedroom and that one ear that's always drooping straightens up as he gets closer to the room until it's perfectly erect.
I looked at all my options and finally decided to go with a restaurant, something that could promote family values of getting together at very little cost. I'd have the logo painted onto my, uh, drill bit and then promote as best I could.
Before competitions, I would do interviews in the locker room and stand so that the IHOP logo was clearly visible. I don't think I would have to do anything special to draw attention to it. It's not like Nascar where I have to take a sip of Gatorade after the race and then pour the rest on my head.
During the competition, if the camera gets to the right angle, people will be able to see that the full logo reads, "International House Of Pancakes."
The marketing gurus at IHOP wanted it to read, "Sponsored by International House Of Pancakes," but I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I couldn't fit all the words on so they had to make do. What can I say, I got what I got and there ain't no more.
Admittedly, putting an ad on a "billboard" that changes sizes could lead to some confusion.
"Jim, did SW change his sponsor to Hewlett-Packard?"
"Not that I've heard, Ken. Why?"
"Well, look at his, uh, flash drive. It says 'H P'."
"Oh that. Yeah, someone bumped the thermostat and the air conditioner has been blowing full force for a couple of hours so it's not a flash drive, more of a short stack."
"Oh. He should get an IHOP golf sock or something."
"For his driver?"
"When you have a nice wood, you should protect it."
"Right you are, Ken. Right you are."
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