I'm not going to go into the back story for this so the quick catch up for those that don't know is that I have a disk between C6 and C7 that is bulged or inflamed or has shifted to the left. In going places that it's not supposed to go, it is pinching off a bundle of nerves that is causing me all kinds of problems such as pain, the feeling of pins and needles along my back, shooting pains down the inside of my left arm to my elbow, and numbness down the outside of my left arm right down to my pinky (which routinely falls asleep).
You have to have that much of the back story to understand why on earth I would allow them to do "The Procedure" on me. Sheer desperation.
Okay, I'm going to tell you how to recreate "The Procedure" in your own home.
You will need:
- A kitchen counter
- A shot of tequila
- A pencil
- A radioactive isotope
- A sadistic friend wearing lead from head to toe
- A bunch of rubber-neckers, also wearing lead from head to toe
Step 1. Get up on the kitchen counter and lay down. The smaller the kitchen and the smaller the counter, the more it will match my experience. If you can barely fit on the counter and all the people gathered around to watch are standing shoulder to shoulder, you've got it right.
Step 2. Have your friend grab the shot of tequila, pour it down the sink, and tell you that you should feel more relaxed in a few seconds.
Step 3. Have your friend take the pencil and jab it into your neck until it just about reaches your spine. Don't move while this is being done or you may screw up the rest of your life in a very serious way. You will undoubtedly do or say something to express the pain. Have your friend ask you where it hurts. "Where you jabbed me!" you'll say. He'll return with, "Oh, that's okay then."
Step 4. Expose the radioactive isotope to your neck.
Step 5. Have your friend pull the pencil out a bit, change the direction of the pencil while still in your neck, then jam it forward into the tendons surrounding your spinal column. Remember, don't move. If the pain is in your neck, "That's okay." (Yeah, cuz it's not your neck!)
Step 6. Expose the radioactive isotope to your neck again.
Repeat Steps 5 and 6 until you lose track of all time and all you can think about is the pain in your neck and the hope that your sadistic friend doesn't hit anything that will completely alter life as you know it.
When you are done, put a lidocaine patch on your neck that is acivative by heat and put ice on it <shrugs> and go get some dinner. Treat yourself. You deserve it.
Tomorrow, I'll explain how the real procedure went but as you will see, other than throwing around fancy names like Selective Nerve Root Cervical Block (instead of "The Procedure") and 20 Gauge Needle (instead of pencil), it's going to be pretty much what I've explained here.
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