Well, I had a doctor's appointment this morning. It seems that I had Impacted Cerumen, which sounds terrible and sounds like it's going to require several X-rays, some strong steel instruments, and maybe some kind of saw or drill to fix. That is, of course, if I don't die first. One thing is certain, I'm going to need some serious painkillers. Oxycontin 7,000's or something stronger. Maybe a morphine pump installed in my abdomen with a timed release. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Unfortunately, my Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds dream has been crushed by revealing in layman's terms exactly what the problem was. Stubborn earwax, and not all that stubborn either, as the nurse was shocked by how easily the stubbornness was gone on the first swish of ear cleaning solution (which I suspect was just hot water).
Truth be told, I had done most of the work for her prior to getting there. I had been using Cerumen (you know, earwax, but Cerumen sounds cooler and less yucky) softening drops since Friday, trying to solve the problem on my own. I am, after all, a guy and that's what we do.
"You should go to the doctor."
"I can fix this. Hand me that screwdriver and blowtorch. Stubborn wax, my ass. I'll have it out of there in no time."
In fact, given another day or two, I probably would have solved the problem myself with the drops and the flushing with hot water that *I* was doing.
The problem was that I was getting impatient. The cerumen had blocked off all sound to my left ear. THAT is incredibly annoying. Even worse when I'm at work and have a radio earpiece in my right ear. I pretty much can't hear anything unless the person was talking to me on the radio.
It was also starting to put pressure on my eardrum and that was hurting. Still is hurting, as a matter of fact.
The doctor prescribed some ear drops for the pain. That's the good news. The bad news is that I'm insured through my wife and they won't pay for the prescription. They say that my insurance has to pay for the prescription. I don't have insurance so that presents a bit of a dilemma.
But only sort of. The pharmacy sent me away while they tried to sort it out but they failed and they just called to say that I can either sort it out or I can just pay for the prescription out of pocket. All eighteen dollars of it.
Had I known that it was $18, I would have just paid for it when I was at the store. It's going to cost me more in gas, time, and cell phone minutes trying to fix the whole problem when I could have already ended the pain by now.
The drops are supposed to make my ear numb. I wonder if I'll hear people as if they had slurred voices when my eardrum is numb. What if there is a small break in my drum from the impacted cerumen and the drops leak into my brain and that goes numb. The left side of the brain near the ear controls speech. What if I start talking in a slurred voice but I don't realize it because my ear is numb?
I should just go the safe route and call the doctor for a script of Oxycontin 9k.
Speaking of the doctor, he made me laugh. He came in after the nurse had done her thing with no real effort on her part except to try to hide her surprise at how easy it was. The doctor took a peak in my ear and said that it looked clean but irritated. He zipped the prescription off to the pharmacy from his computer using email (making it impossible for me to forge a new prescription for Oxyconton - damn the technology). Then he turned and asked me if I had any other health concerns.
I looked at him quizzically. I came in because of wimpy earwax masquerading as Impacted Cerumen. That's it.
"Nope," I said, wondering if I was failing some kind of pop quiz.
"I like it when you come in," he said. This is the second time that he's seen me. The first time was last November for a sinus infection that truly was stubborn. Impacted green snot, for sure. Not that you really wanted to know that. Anyway, he added, "You're healthy."
"I try to keep it that way," I said.
He asked if I had any questions.
"As a matter of fact . . . " I said, and I went into a completely different topic that you'll have to read about in my political blog if I ever find the time to actually write a couple of posts. It's going to be a crazy week but I'm hoping to get at least an introductory post up this week.
Until then, remember this tip: Stay healthy. It makes your doctor's job easier and it makes him happy.
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