Chronicles: Alan B. Rowley II - Success Warrior - ECoach - P90X

Fitness Made Difficult

Advanced Training: Success Warrior's NPC workout

I'm going to be making an exclusive offer for readers of this blog.  I'll be releasing a DVD and workbook for a new workout and readers will be able to buy it before the general release and they'll get it at a discounted price.  It's my way of thanking you for visiting my blog.

It is an advanced workout so I would highly recommend that you finish at least one time through P90X or have worked your way up to the Original Turbulence Training program before starting my workout. 

Alternatively, you could order it and try it and just take it at a very easy pace to start off with and work your way up in duration and intensity until you have mastered the workout.

This program combines many of the most popular training programs out today into one fun-filled workout.  You get High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT), strength training, flexibility, balance, and there's even some plyometrics thrown in for good measure.

I can say with absolute certainty that you will sweat like you've never sweat before and yet, it won't even feel like you're working out.  Gone will be the days of dreading your next exercise session.  You'll find yourself looking forward to the next workout almost as soon as you've completed one.  I do recommend taking at least one day off in between workouts, keeping them to a maximum of 3 to 4 a week, because you have to let your body recover from the exertion.

You're also going to want to follow good diet guidelines.  Take a multivitamin, drink the P90X recovery drink after a session, eat lean protein, and plenty of raw fruits and vegetables.  You will need to keep your water intake high and make sure you're getting enough sleep at night.  The training is rigorous and you're going to need to fuel your body for peak performance.

The basic format is similar to other interval training workouts.  You're going to warm up for a few minutes because the last thing that I want is for you to get hurt (and you can definitely get hurt doing the NPC workout so please be careful).  After the warm up, you'll take the intensity up a bit for a minute, then bring it back down for a minute.  You'll bump it up even higher for minute.  This time, when you bring it back down, you'll switch so that you're working different muscles or in a different fashion.  You'll switch between pure cardio, strength, balance, and flexibility.  If you're feeling up to you, you can go for the bonus plyometric circuit.  It's three minutes (one minute each of low, medium, and high intensity) that you'll never forget.  You'll bring it all to a peak of exertion and then follow it up with a short cool down session.

You won't need any special equipment to get started.  I will be releasing a line of SW Products that can be used to add a little variety to the workout or change angles so that you're working different muscles but to begin, all you're going to need is a willing attitude.

And a workout partner.

In order to achieve optimum results with the NPC workout, you're going to have to have a workout buddy.  Someone who has the same goals as you and the same willingness to sweat and have fun.

Check back often for the official release of Success Warrior's Naked Partner Calisthenics workout.  This offer will not be offered in stores. 

Answering email quickly

My inbox is full of email from people who probably expect an answer from me, sooner or later.  Sigourney Weaver hasn't shown up yet and the Alien in my stomach is extremely resilient to bismuth.  It might be slowly working like Kryptonite laced with nicotine but until the good alien and bad alien duke it out in the junk yard of my stomach, I'll keep praying to Fed for relief.

What I've decided to do is answer all the email in one blog post to save time.  I won't post the names here because some people might be embarrassed by their questions.  Those of you that have sent email should be able to pick your answers out.  Let's get started.

No, I don't need any repl1ca watches, thanks.

Yes, by all means, forward that on to me and I'll have a look.

Really, you're that flexible.  I'm going to have to talk to my wife about that one.  Gotta luv Yoga.

No thanks on the watches.

Have you talked to your doctor about that.  That doesn't sound right to me. 

I'd love to.  Thanks for the invite.

Still no to the watches.

Yeah, that was funny.  Can I use it in my blog?  I'll substitute PTE Rick's name into the story so that you don't look stoopid.

More scramble?  I thought you had learned your lesson by now.  =)

Yeah, the whole book will have to be changed right from the start.  In the beginning Fed created the heaven and the earth.

Sure, give me a fake r0lex if it'll get you to quit sending me email.

I'm not sure that will work.  Yeah, it counts as burning calories but how many are you burning in those few minutes.  You might want to try jogging or something.

Calories in versus calories out.  It's simple but it's not always easy.

Dude!  No way!  Is there a pool to bet on for the number of stitches you're gonna need?

If I have missed anyone, just pick one that most closely matches the answer that you think I would have given or pick the one that answers in a manner that would most benefit you.

This has been around but it still cracks me up

Good News! Obesity Is Caused by a Virus!

This is news that just couldn't wait until I released my next P90X review.  It's just too big.  Researchers have released a study that obesity could be caused by a virus like the common cold.  It's bad news for some people but it's wonderful news for a lot of other people.

First off, of course, obese people have to be completely relieved.  It's not their fault.  There's nothing they can do about it.  It's a virus and so far, there's no cure.

"Jim, I noticed you're putting on a little weight.  Are you sure you want a third piece of birthday cake?"

"It's not the cake.  I caught the fat virus.  That's what I get for using a public restroom without using the paper ass-protector thingy.  At least, that's where I'm guessing I caught it.  You don't happen to have some ice cream and chocolate sauce, do you?  That would set off this cake just right."

It also explains the report that came out last month that if you have obese friends, it's very likely that you will be obese.  You can't be around them all the time and not catch the virus.  A simple handshake, using the same phone, licking the same spoon after whipping up some fudge brownies.  It's inevitable, until they come out with a vaccination at least.

So, I was reading this article today and . . . (warning - sex talk ahead)

I wanted to get your opinion on it because it struck me as kind of odd.

Here's the deal and I'll be as delicate as I can here.  As a guy gains weight, most of that weight is usually above the belt but some of it ends up sliding below the belt.  As that happens, it has the effect of making his manhood appear shorter, like Mr. Winky is snuggling up in a thick quilt.

My first question is, why doesn't this get more press time?

Diabetes, heart problems, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure are getting flogged to death and it doesn't appear that anyone cares.  Let's kick the guys where it hurts and see if that doesn't get a little more attention.

I have many more questions about this article.  Let's break down some of the highlights.  This article appears an answer to a question such as, "I'm overweight and want to know how to have sex.  What can I do?"

This was not in my plans for this morning

If you could read my unfinished post about my P90X training for the last couple of days, you would know that I had no intention on getting up this morning any earlier than Trey.  I was going to sleep as much as he would allow.  He's got a cold and I don't want a cold so I'm trying to get some extra rest.

That was *my* plan.

What actually happened was slightly different.

There I was sleeping quite contently when my wife jumped up on the bed and started bouncing up and down screaming that there was an intruder in the house tyring to kill her.  I should have told her to call 911 but instead I asked her what time it was.  7:30.  I'm pretty sure that Trey was going to sleep past 7:30 but not if my wife was making all that racket.  Obviously the best plan is to deal with the intruder as quietly as possible so that she will stop screaming and then I can go back to bed.

I stop listening to the voices in my head long enough to catch the word "scorpion" from my wife.  Okay, the intruder has been identified.  They seem to like our kitchen.  I'm not sure why that is.  The lizards and beetles like the kitchen too.  I keep vowing (read today's Success Warrior Blog) to throw out the left over Purina Scorpion Food but just haven't gotten around to it.  I'll bet that's why they come in our kitchen.

Domestic Terrorism Strikes Close to Home

You may recall that I lost my internet service for a couple of days last week.  I made the off hand comment that someone must not know how to call Blue Stakes before starting to dig because the rumor was that a main line had been cut.  It turns out that my internet service was deliberately cut by terrorists. 

The motive is unclear but these seem like the tree-hugger type so they may have done it just because the line runs through a natural habitat for seagulls.  Maybe being short and brown makes you angry at the world.  I suppose that there could be religious reasons.  I have being saying for quite some time now that the internet is the worst thing that could have ever happened to religion.  Religions should be doing everything they can to keep people from using the internet.  There is too much information online and it is becoming harder and harder to keep the lies, cover ups, and discrepancies hidden.

The news came out in last Friday's paper.  I didn't save a copy which is unfortunate since I won't be able to directly quote it here.  They did find out the group that cut the line but I don't think any of the suspects have been caught.  I'm going to post a picture here in case you see the suspect, you can call it in to America's Most Wanted or something.

The official press release said that the cable was cut when gophers chewed through it.  I'm sure that from the gopher's viewpoint, the land has been in the family since, well pretty much since the FSM created gophers.  The line was on their property, as it were.  My thinking on this is that there are still proper channels to go through.  A civil lawsuit, a court order, or maybe they should have done a protest when the line was being buried.  To wait all this time and then cut the line seems spiteful to me.

I suppose that it could be true and it probably is because it's so unbelievable but it sure sounds fishy.  How would you like to be the guy working the phone that day?

"Technical support.  Can I help you?"

"I've lost my connection."

"Yes, you see, well, it's like this, okay, so, umm, some gophers chewed through our line.  We're fixing it now."

"Uh huh, right.  Look, if you don't know what's wrong, just say so."

I think I would just lie about it.

"The city is doing some construction.  One of their smacktards cut our line with a backhoe.  We're working on restoring service as quickly as possible."

The tech guys were off the hook this day though because in an effort to bring my internet service crashing to the ground, the gophers also chewed through phone lines.  Bastards!

***

My goal today is to catch up on all the comments.  Between the gophers and being out of town, I've fallen quite a bit behind.  I hope to remedy that today.

A Sign Of The Times

My wife bought some Jolly Time Healthy Pop the other day and had some last night.  I don't eat Healthy popcorn because I'd just as soon chew on pieces of styrofoam but she left the bag out and in bold letters on the front of the bag, it says:

Pops Faster!

Microwave popcorn that pops faster than other microwave popcorn.  We are definitely running out of time on this planet if it's important to you that your popcorn pops in 2.5 minutes instead of 3.25 minutes.

In completely unrelated news, here's a pit maneuver and a pit maneuver and a pit maneuver and a . . . well, you watch:

Quatro de Julio

"Are you going to celebrate the 4th of July?" my brother asked me on the third when we were at his house (about 30 minutes before he snuck his dog into my car - ha ha, I'm still laughing - not).

"No, we're going to celebrate Quatro de Julio," I said.

He's quick witted but I think I caught him by surprise because he had to think about it for a fraction of a second before he laughed.

It's funny and funnier because it's true. 

The population here is about 80% hispanic with most of them coming from Mexico.  I've been here for a couple of years and I'm used to it.  You don't even notice it until something happens to draw attention to it, like say, the 4th of July.

We didn't go this year to the daytime festivities because it was over 100 degrees out there.  Mustang went and got a sunburn on his forehead so bad that it's blistering.  That has to sting.

We went last year though and it reminded us of where we are living.

What's So Funny?

My brother has a schnauzer.

Why?  I don't know but he does.

It's a yippee little ankle humper of a dog.

When we got out of Die Hard, we went to his house for a visit and to pick up Trey.  We knocked on the door.  No one answered.  I could hear people inside and my other brother was there so I opened the door.

Cosmo comes running and barking at us.

"Good watchdog," Tia said.  "Where were you when we knocked?"

Everyone was there and the dog wouldn't stop barking.  And he likes me.  I really don't like him (I say this in case I have been vague up to this point).  He was around my ankles the whole time I was there and even tried to get a couple of humps in for good measure.

Road Trip with Mr. and Mrs. Success Warrior

We went looking for houses a couple of days ago.  You can read about the not-so-funny part of that trip HERE.  There were a couple funny parts during the trip (as you can probably guess by now, hardly a day goes by without something funny happening in my life).  One was the trip to Red Robin and the other was pretty much the whole trip.

Let me give you some of the serious background before we get into the good bits.  Our last couple of trips to the city in the van cost us about $100 in gas.  Not entirely true but it goes like this.  I put in about $30 to get us out of this town to where the gas is (hopefully and usually) cheaper.  Then I put in $70 and (hopefully) fill it up.  There's the $100.  That will get us around for the day and home and probably get us around for a couple of weeks at home.

We decided to take the new car this time.  We weren't going to be picking anything up that required the size of the van and figured it would save us on gas.

Now you're caught up, let's get to the story.

The Pros and Cons of Voyeuristic Sex Contests

If you will remember back a couple of days, you might remember my little story about my cats and my blinds and the fact that I suspect that my performance in bed is not only being judged but is also being televised.  I can't honestly say that it's a bad thing so I thought it might be helpful if I listed out the pros and cons of Voyeuristic Sex Contests for those people that are thinking about competing in the upcoming Peeping Tom Olympics.

My wife and I have lived in 4 different buildings in the last 6 years and we have had cats the entire time.  The apartment we rented, the house we rented, and this house all had the cheap, easily breakable blinds (that cats actually train for - I got a bill for the ppv pet home unimprovement channel, which tipped me off.  And they say cats are smart.  Ha!).  The last place was a house that was being built and I installed the tougher blinds right from the beginning.

Here's what this has meant for me.

Peeping Tom and Cats and IQ

As you know, except for this blog, I'm a fairly private person.  I would say that even with this blog, I'm a fairly private person when it comes to sex.  I'm going to disclothes some things today but I'm going to try to be discreet as best I can while still trying to convey the right feeling.

I'm not much into the "letting other people watch" thing.  I know some people are and you can even make a fair bit of money at it if you're okay with it.  "It's not my bag, baby," although no one has made a serious offer yet so depending on the amount of money we're talking about . . . (my email address is in the left sidebar and I accept PayPal).

Anyway, if you have ever owned cats and cheap blinds at the same time, you know what's coming next.

Nothing Beats New Car Smell

This is part of my car purhase posts which seems to continue to grow.  Check out part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, and this side trip.

There is just something fun about having a new car.  It feels different, it looks different, and it definitely smells different.  Even though the car I bought is several years old, it has a very distinctive smell to it.

We had finished up the paperwork on the purchase and had done it with just enough time to meet my family for dinner.  The new car is essentially mine.  The van is now my wife's.  So, I was going to drive the car and she was going to drive the van.  After dinner, we would park one and finish our errands and then drive them both home.

Tia thinks I'm the safer driver so Trey was going to go with me.  I moved his car seat over to the car and loaded him up.  We turned on some tunes and went to the street.

The restaurant is to the south so I made like I was going to make a left turn because, that would be south.  Here's a tip for anyone trying to leave Saturn of Riverdale anywhere near rush hour.  Forget about trying to turn left when you are leaving.  Ain't gonna happen. 

It worked out okay though because my wife got a call while we were waiting.  A couple of the forms that we had signed were the wrong ones.  She honked her horn and backed up.  I backed up.  She went running inside and I waited out in the car with Trey.

I Make My Wife Laugh - Part 2

Last week, I decided to clean off my desks.  I do this every couple of weeks.  Okay, I mean to do it every couple of weeks.  Sometimes, it's every couple of months.  Sometimes it doesn't happen until I can't find something important.

Not much really accumulates here.  A bit of mail sometimes, a couple of magazines, notes for writing, and a few empty water glasses.  Why I can't take one out when I bring one in, I don't know.  Probably something to do with my routine where I get to the kitchen before I get to the office.

We had been talking about moving so it was on my mind.  Originally we had planned on moving in 2009.  With the job opportunity that has presented itself, we've decided to move as soon as I get a job that pays more than I'm getting here.

We have no idea when that will be and that's what made my wife laugh.  For the most part, she has gotten used to the fact that she's married to a quirky kinda guy that will do stuff out of the blue. 

"What are you thinking?" is a question that could bring any sort of answer, some that don't really have any base in reality.

Exclusive Post for Cherise - No One Else Needs to Read It

Cherise,

Let me start this post by saying that I truly do not believe that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I'm not really sure that there is a road to hell in the first place.  I think you just fall there or maybe take a boat across a lake, or something.

Let me also state that even though I am not going to do the post that I had intended on doing today, I still don't think that makes me as bad as PTE Rick.  Quite frankly, I'm still a little hurt by the accusation.  I don't know how long it will take me to get over the pain but I don't think there can be any true healing until you have apologized.

I will tell you up front that I probably won't get to that post until Tuesday.  Tomorrow will most likely (no promises or you'll throw vengeful words at me if I choose a different topic and I don't know if my keyboard can handle anymore of my tears without shorting out) be about the Beach Boys (boys? Ha!) and classic cars.  Monday's will probably (again, no promises, please don't hit me) be a meme of some type. 

That makes Tuesday the first opportunity to follow through with my post on Trey's doctor's bedside manner.  I don't have time today to do it justice.

Please don't hit me.

Tramp Wars and Wrestling Roommates - Part 1

No, I'm not talking about a cat fight between Paris Hilton and Britney Spears although this post does have something to do with teenage boys.  This could have also been called The Rib Story but like the actual story, it's a boring title.

There are two versions to this story and they are completely different.  I'm not talking about spin which I'm sure there will be a great deal of but I'm talking about two completely different versions separated by several years.  I'm sure that through the comments or a post of his own, PTE Rick will regale you with his tale of torture and living through the horror of carrying the memories (false as they may be) with him for 25 years.

It's not that the event that he recounted to me didn't happen.  It did happen.  It happened in pretty much the way that he told me that it happened.  It just didn't happen to him and I think that's a very important part of the story.  After all they were his broken ribs (even though we have no proof that any ribs were actually broken).

So, pour yourself a cup of coffee and let me tell you a couple of stories.

A Helpful Husband Is A Good Husband

  We took water, cookies, and brownies to the zoo with us in our cooler.  We bought a 24 pack of Dasani water at the grocery store for a couple of bucks on sale to share with everyone.  Last time we were at the zoo, that amount would buy one bottle of water.  It's like going to a movie theater except we didn't have to sneak the cooler in by stuffing into my wife's purse.

We put the cooler in Trey's Jeep stroller and wheeled it in.  We paid for everyone and headed for the place that my wife had picked for lunch.  It was as far away from the entrance as you could go and still be in the zoo.  I think we were actually starting to get close to the San Diego zoo when we got there.

Not that it really mattered since we would have walked all the way down there if we were looking at animals.  Now we would just look at them on our way back. 

Someone Watches Too Much Simpsons

The entertainers that come through here stay at the casino where I'm in charge of security.  I try to make sure that they are safe while they are here.  I find out where they are staying and I have surveillance keep a dedicated feed up on the hallway.

Most of the entertainers use aliases that their room is listed under.  You have to know the secret name in order to get through to them.  I get that alias just in case.  Just in case of what, I don't know.  I have the entertainer's manager's cell number and that's who I contact if I have something come up.

Anyway, most of the names are unique but non-descript.  You can't call up and ask for John Smith and end up connected to the entertainer's room.  A few months ago, we had one stay here that used a unique and memorable name as his alias.  I can't tell you the entertainer's name in case he uses this name in other places.

The room was listed under "Dick Click."

"Hello, I'm trying to find a Dick Click."

Ask a Cop: Ever Forget Where You Parked Your Car?

You walk out of the mall and look at the huge expanse of parking lot and wonder, "Just where did I put my car?"  It happens to everyone and it's understandable when you're talking about a large parking lot.  What about if you parked it on the side of the road and walked 20 feet away?

We got cameras for our cars when I was a cop.  They were great, wonderful toys.  DUI field sobriety tests were right there on camera.  Defense attorneys would want to fight the charges until they saw the tape then they decided to plea bargain.

When we first got them, I would do little dumb sports things as I was walking back toward my car after a traffic stop.  I'd lean over in front of the cameran and raise a finger and say into the mic, "We're number one," or I would wave and yell, "Hi mom!"  I did that until the chief told me to knock it off.

One of the best things caught on tape was the day Puff lost his car.

Pavlov's Horndog

My wife and I work opposite shifts.  She works day shift and I work swing shift, which is often more of a late swing shift.  Many days, she's up at oh-500 hours.

"What's the 'oh' stand for?  Oh my god,it's early!" - Good Morning, Vietnam.

I'm usually not home until sometime after midnight and may not get to be until around 3am.

We have decided to do this so that we are the ones raising our son.  I hope he appreciates it but I think he takes it for granted.  You know how 3 year olds are about things like that. 

I used to be a morning person but that has changed since I started working in casinos.  Now I'm of the opinion that mornings should be banned.  Let's move straight into lunch and start the day there.  Trey doesn't allow that to happen.  He still believes in mornings.  3 year olds are so self important.

I sleep until the last second possible and nothing wakes me up until Trey comes in and yells, "Wake up Dad!" before jumping from the top rope with a flying elbow shot to my bizness.  It's always amazing that no matter how many blankets are on me or what position I'm laying in, he's dead on with his aim.  It's good training though.  Now he yells, "Wake up Dad!" and both my hands dart down protectively and I roll over and up to sitting.  How do you like that?  Dad has been trained.

Before that moment, I don't hear anything or at least I didn't until a couple of weeks ago.

My wife sets an alarm which I don't hear in the least.  She gets up and gets ready to go to a friend's house for some early morning exercise.  She disarms the alarm system which has a loud woman's voice letting the world know, "Alarm disarmed!"  My neighbors know the alarm has been turned off but I'm completely oblivious.  The door opens and closes when she leaves and when she comes back.  Does she set the alarm when she leaves and disarm it when she gets back?  I have absolutely no idea.  I don't even know she's gone.  She gets in the shower which she claims is so loud that she can't sleep when I get in late at night.  It's white noise to me.

I've been in bed for probably 4 or 5 hours and the house could probably be moved to Oz without me knowing.  "Well that explains the weird dream of the lady flying on the bicycle."  My wife is a very light sleeper and it just amazes her at what I'm able to sleep through.  She gets annoyed when I'm typing late at night in the office because she says the sound keeps her awake in the bedroom.  What the . . . ?  She could probably bang the keyboard on the desk repeatedly before any sound from the office reached my brain in the bedroom.  At that time in the morning, I'm not just asleep but it's more like being unconscious.

Then she slides her underwear drawer open.

Bam!  My eyes pop open to see her standing there naked.

If a person is going to get up in the morning, that's the way to do it. 

A Break in the Action

It's hard for me to post to my blogs on Saturdays.  I usually try to get a post in on one of them but I just run out of, not time necessarily, but energy.  Working in a casino means that weekends are the busy times.  So I work until 2 or 3 in the morning and then get back up at 7am when my son gets up.

You see, my wife and I decided that we were going to be the ones to raise our son.  We didn't want him raised by a babysitter so we tag team on him.  She has a day job and I have the other job.  By other, I have worked graves and swings and now something in between.  4 hours of sleep is better than the none that I used to get but it still wears on me at times. 

I teach karate on Saturday mornings which cuts into my blogging time.  I'm usually beat when karate is over, sometimes quite literally.  Trey and I have some lunch and then maybe I'll get out a blog post.  Then we have a nap. 

My schedule was thrown off early in the week and I never really recovered from the lack of sleep.  I'm not going to go into a rant about it but let me just say that I wasn't happy at all (severe understatement).  I'm in the middle of getting all my debt free ideas written down in a cohesive manuscript and Thursday I was so tired that I couldn't write more than a couple of sentences.  My brain was in a fog and my main goal for the day was to stay awake so that Trey was supervised. 

Friday night, I met Jay Leno and I have started that post.  I started it on Sunday because Saturday was a wash.  Sunday night though, I knew before I came home from work that it was going to be a bad weekend.  My weekend that is.  I have Mondays and Tuesdays off.  I was looking forward to my weekend.  I was going to go to bed early Sunday night and be right back on track for the week.

Ask a Cop: Keen observations of an experienced officer

That's all of the weird DUI stories that I can think of from that summer.  I made several other DUI arrests but they must have been the more mundane type.  I'll tell you about some of the other DUIs that I was involved in over the years but I'm going to take a break from that subject for now.

I used to have reserve officers ride with me often.  I tried to teach them things when they came out and I also let them try handling calls for themselves with me watching to make sure any mistakes made were minor.  I've had a hand in training a lot of officers that work for other agencies now.  Here's a lesson that I taught one night.

DJ was out riding with me.  We were making my cursory tour of the town at the beginning of the shift.  As I explained, I liked to have a look around for a bit at the start of my shift to see if there was anything going on.

It was a quiet night and it had snowed a little before the graveyard shift began.  Everything was covered with about an inch of snow.  Traffic was almost nonexistent so the snow was untouched for the most part.  It had quit snowing before the shift started too.  Now it was just that quiet that happens in the middle of the night with the snow muting normal sounds.

"The nice thing about the snow is that it makes security checks easy," DJ said.  "We'll be able to tell if anyone has walked up to the building from the car."

In a small town, on quiet nights (which is most nights), we go around and rattle doors on businesses, schools, and churches.  Any place that burglars went, we went too.  We tried to make sure that everything was locked up.  The odds of coming across a crime in progress was unlikely.  It was more about crime prevention because we often found doors open.  I found a doctor's office open half a dozen times one summer.  Anyone could have come along and helped themselves to the samples which were kept in an unlocked closet without breaking into the building.

"Not only can we tell that someone has been there but we can get some idea of who we would be looking for," I told her, assuming my best "wise and experienced" officer voice.  "Do you see those prints over there?"

I pointed to the other side of the road that we were driving on.  There were footprints near the shoulder of the road.  There wasn't a sidewalk and the actual shoulder actually dropped down about a foot to the soft dirt of a corn field.  We were driving along at about 25 mph but you could see that the foot prints were heading against traffic, going in the same direction as we were.

"Yeah," DJ said.

"Those prints look like they were made by a pair of Nikes.  I would say size 9.  If we were looking for someone, we could try to match up the prints with the shoes on a person," I said.

She watched the prints as we drove by, thinking about it for about 30 seconds.

"How can you tell all that from this far away?" she asked.

"Because they're my prints.  I went for a run right before shift tonight."

From Ahchoo to shoes to cheese and juice

My son has started copying everything we say which reminded me of this story that took place about a year ago.

Several months ago, I came home from work and my wife said, “Watch this!”  She proceeded to fake a sneeze, which my son echoed back.

            “I taught him how to pretend to sneeze,” she said.

            Usually, I’m pretty quick with a response but this one left me a little off guard.  A couple of thoughts ran through my head and I couldn’t figure out which was the best to vocalize.  My first thought was, “Great,” said with all my practiced sarcasm.

            Sidenote: In our marital fight rules, the use of sarcasm by me has been banned because of my so-called aptitude in said skill.  This has resulted in many “Don’t you have anything to say?” comments from my wife because many times, without sarcasm, I’m left speechless.  However this was not a fight and sarcasm would be allowed.  Still, I thought, it may not be the best response.

            My next thought, still with a hint of sarcasm, was: what a wonderfully useless skill to teach our 18 month old son.  Unless of course he goes into acting and manages to get a part in a cold medicine commercial.  In which case, I will have to say, at that time, how profoundly intuitive the training was and, depending on the size of the check, how thankful I am that my son knew how to fake sneeze at such a young age.

            What if that leads to something bigger?  I can just see my son at the podium, naked gold man in hand.  “I’d like to thank God, MTV, the academy, and all my fans for making this possible.  Most of all, I would like to thank my mother for teaching me to fake sneeze when I was a toddler.  Without her, none of this would have been possible.  Thank you all and God bless.”

            Screaming applause as he holds the statue overhead.

            A week after learning the under-appreciated art of faking a sneeze, an odd thing has occurred.  My son, up this point, had for the most part boycotted the English language.  Other than the dog’s name, “Tek”, and the ever-so-useful, “Uh-oh”, he spoke only in baby talk which somehow resembled Klingon to the point that I’m not really positive that he wasn’t speaking via communicator to some bird-of-prey orbiting our planet, cloaked.  This also made me wonder more about the ridges on his forehead and the possibility that maybe I’m not the biological father.  I love him all the same.

            Anyway, it’s a week later and my son has suddenly added two more words to his vocabulary.  “Ouch” and “shoes” are now being said on a regular basis. Very interesting.  Ouch-shoe.  My boy can talk.

            Another week goes by and my son can say the word “cheese.”  A very handy word for him because cheese happens to be one of his favorite snacks.  Now instead of saying, “Mmm, mmm” which means, “I want something and it’s up to you to guess what it is,” he can ask for the food by name.  We aren’t quite at, “Father, would you be so kind as to go to the refrigerator, fetch some cheese, and cut off a good chunk for me please?” but we are a good step above caveman.  With this word he is now able to pose for pictures which is a step toward his Oscar nomination.

            Not long after this and he is able to say “juice.”  When he gets thirsty after eating his cheese, he can ask for some juice to wash it down.  “Juice” for the moment happens to be any liquid that he drinks but that’s perfectly fine for now.  It’s a word.  It’s a word that he can say that has meaning to him.  Cheese and juice.  Excellent.

            Hmmm.  This all makes me think.  Not about apologizing to my wife for all those thoughts about the uselessness of teaching a fake sneeze or any of the words that accidentally slipped out of my mouth along those lines.  I am a man after all.  No, what I was thinking about was the concept of going from a sound to a word to more words.

            So we’re driving back from Salt Lake City one day and I decide to implement my own plan about 40 miles out.  I go about teaching my son how to fake the sound of hocking a loogie.  My son again showed himself to be a quick learner when it comes to making sounds and had this new trick down in no time at all.  His quick learning ability was lost on my wife at the moment who couldn’t believe that I had taught him this great skill.  She also was less-than-pleased that we kept on practicing it for so many miles.  I would make the sound, she would tell me to stop, and my son would make the sound.  I would laugh and, of course, make the sound.  She would tell me to stop...

            Nearing home, I told my wife that her teaching our son how to fake a sneeze resulted almost immediately in two words being added to his vocabulary.  This, in a child that refused to speak because learning a language might take away from time better spent learning to climb.  Further, those words had lead to even more words.  Teaching by going from fun sound to new words to even more similar sounding words might just be the trick for teaching our son.

            “This new game could produce a new word or two,” I said.

            “Yeah, for all those words that start with the sound xkckxxk thploooooh,” she replied. 

            The last few miles mixed my gasps of tearful laughter with my son's surprisingly authentic loogie sounds, while my wife rolled her eyes at both of us.