Good News! Obesity Is Caused by a Virus!

This is news that just couldn't wait until I released my next P90X review.  It's just too big.  Researchers have released a study that obesity could be caused by a virus like the common cold.  It's bad news for some people but it's wonderful news for a lot of other people.

First off, of course, obese people have to be completely relieved.  It's not their fault.  There's nothing they can do about it.  It's a virus and so far, there's no cure.

"Jim, I noticed you're putting on a little weight.  Are you sure you want a third piece of birthday cake?"

"It's not the cake.  I caught the fat virus.  That's what I get for using a public restroom without using the paper ass-protector thingy.  At least, that's where I'm guessing I caught it.  You don't happen to have some ice cream and chocolate sauce, do you?  That would set off this cake just right."

It also explains the report that came out last month that if you have obese friends, it's very likely that you will be obese.  You can't be around them all the time and not catch the virus.  A simple handshake, using the same phone, licking the same spoon after whipping up some fudge brownies.  It's inevitable, until they come out with a vaccination at least.

It's great news for fast food companies too.  It's not the food.  They now have a new defense for all those people suing them.  You know, the people who were maliciously saying that the fast food was making them fat.  They can add it to their previous defense which I believe was nemo adigo accingo adnitor tuus capitalis. 

I'm not really sure why all legal terms are in Latin.  My guess, if I had to guess, was that it was a way for men who could afford to go to school in past centuries to keep mere commoners from becoming lawyers.  If you had to work each day in order to make enough money to feed your family, it was unlikely that you were going to go to college and learn Latin and pollute the upper ranks with your commen-ness.  Now that anyone who wants to learn Latin has that chance, lawyers have gone from upper ranks to bottom feeders.  Anyway . . .

I'll translate it for you in case you're not up on your legalese.  It translates roughly as, "No one put a gun to your head, you fast food eating moron who knew good and well when you walked in those doors that our food was poisonous to the human body and yet you came back day after day which might mean that not only does our food cause obesity, it might also cause stupidity."  It's a real rough translation.  Some idioms don't travel will from one language to another.

Big Pharma CEOs are probably fondling their Viagra inflated parts at the thought that obesity is caused by a virus.  They have been lobbying hard to take health supplements off the market and make it so that it requires a doctor's prescription to get your echinacea, which will of course be made by a certified pharamaceutical company or completely done away with where only chemical medications will be offered.  Now they can come at this from a completely different angle.

"Have you taken guarana and seen little to no results?  That's because it doesn't work.  Guarana speeds up metabolism but is completely useless against the fat virus.  Call now to recieve your free informational DVD on Thinagra.  The *only*  real way to cure the fat virus.  Anything else is just voodoo."

This whole thing sounded a little strange to me so I looked into it a bit.  The research shows that fat people have more of the fat virus than thin people but thin people still have it (they're carriers, I guess).  This makes me wonder if maybe the researchers might not have gotten things a little backwards.  If so, you could use the same logic to make the following conclusions:

Diabetes causes obesity.  After all, look at all the obese people with diabetes.  Sure, some thin people have diabetes but by and large, obese people have a higher percentage of diabetes.

Obesity causes TV watching.  Sure, why not.  Yeah, some thin people watch TV but I'll bet if you looked at who watched the most TV, you'd find it's the heaviest people.  That's probably why there are so many fast food commercials on TV.  They know that if you eat it and you gain weight (and get more stupid apparently - if I have my Latin right), you'll watch more TV.  If you do that, you'll see more ads.  It's a vicious cycle all caused by obesity which is caused by a virus.  It's insideous and TV producers are using it to their benefit.

I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing so I dug a little deeper.  After all, what if a fat person sneezes on me?  Will I catch the virus?  I go into the buffet several times a week.  I've always been worried about catching salmonella, ecoli, and botulism.  Now I might catch fatcholism.

I found this bit of information interesting.  Here is a picture of a normal virus cell:

It's a nasty looking thing, really. 

I was also able to find a picture of an AD-36 virus cell.  AD-36 is the fat virus.  Sometimes it adds 36 pounds, sometimes 50, sometimes 100.  How they finally chose the number 36, I wasn't able to find out but I did think the microscopic picture of the AD-36 was very interesting.  Notice the subtle difference between the normal virus cell and the AD-36 virus cell:

Still concerned about the transmission thing, (after all 70% of Americans are overweight and 30% are obese - one of them is bound to sneeze on me), I googled "cures for AD-36".  I didn't find a cure but I did find some AD-36 inhibitors, which is going to have to do for now. 

They are natural too.  Pfizer will probably start lobbying to get legislature to change the laws so that you need a prescription for these as well.  They might even be villainized like guarana was because you know that who ever develops the first Subtract-36 pill (Sub-36) is going to make beellions of dollars.  Probably trillions.  97 million American adults are overweight or obese.  Multiply 100 million (97 million overweight people and 3 million models, actors, actresses, and jockeys) times $250 for a two week supply and you get some super-sized chu-ching!

You're going to have to act now before the bribes campaign donations start rolling in to put pressure on lawmakers to ban these substances.  This is what I've been able to find out so far.  It's still early in the research obviously since the virus has just been found.  I'm sure further research will find other inhibitors or even a cure somewhere down the road.

From what I've been able to gather, the following substances can greatly reduce the effects of AD-36:

• lean protein sources in moderate amounts
• fresh fruits
• a variety of vegetables
• daily exercise

Just as importantly, I was able to find some things that actually amplify the effects of AD-36.  These things should be avoided to bolster your immune system against the virus:

• sugar
• excessive TV watching
• sugar
• playing World of Warcraft to the point of complete inactivity
• sugar

None of these are a cure and I'm not a doctor giving medical advice.  I'm just passing on some of the radical remedies that I came across for this debilitating virus.  You may have heard that some of these are old wive's tales but you better get what you can now before Pharma gets their way.  A year from now you might have to go to your doctor to get a prescription for boneless skinless chicken breast and apples.

Speaking of doctors, fall's right around the corner.  High risk people will be encouraged to go in for their flu and fat shots.  Face it, Thanksgiving and Christmas are high risk times when a lot of people come down with obesity.  It's probably all those people getting together in confined places.  One person sneezes on the table holding the plethora of pies at the big Thanksgiving family party and the virus just takes off and spreads to everyone who eats the pies.  The more slices of banana creme pie uncle Vern eats, the more of the virus he injests.  Let's face it, he just doesn't have a chance after the 4-day weekend.  Can you just see him waddling into work on Monday?

"Vern, man you look like hell.  Did you catch a cold over the weekend?"

"No, no.  I caught obesity."

"Oh damn man, that sucks.  You know there's no cure, right?"

"Yeah, I'm screwed.  Are there any donuts left in the breakroom?"

There you have it.  Science has found the answer, a virus makes people fat.  I guess all we can do now is pray that the scientists are able to find a cure and the faster, the better.  Our only hope for a healthy future lies in their hands.  I think I'm going to start up a foundation to raise money to fund research for a cure.  I have to do my part.  I won't be able to rest until the cure has been found and everyone has access to it.  I'm thinking of doing a nationwide bake sale.

Please, please, join me!

P.S. To Pfizer or any other pharmaceutical company, if you use the name "Sub-36" for the miracle pill, I want a cut of the action (and a free sample with my informational DVD).

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